thick chains of unconsciousness govern my hallucinations together
yet in all these worlds I cannot consciously manifest them
again and again
I'm condemned to be free

free as imagined
"you miss him"
i don't want anything to do with them
and so the pearls ta ta ta fall to the ground

i knew loneliness because i live my own physical body and mind
i never knew You till i hear loneliness and saw darkness

i try to see the void
i hear nothing
absolutely sure You are absent and present
and You are pleased to remain so

i am
nothing
but
i am

always between everything and nothing
sleeping to wake and waking to sleep
dreams and realities to distract
my dreams to hasten the race
my supposed waking moments to slow down my pace

everywhere
there is no heaven, almost heaven
i look nowhere
heaven is in me

nothing, no crowns, no pearls or chains
careful and chastising love to mould me
blind eyes and the foggy smile
head back facing the twilight sun and smelling the humid sky

slow motion of the everyday
quirkiness of the imaginations
embracing the vast blanket of peaceful sunsets
and with Your constellations I contemplate with You

let the rain stop and reveal the rainbow
let the sun and the moon both shine
there is no wind if there is no tree
I hug no one

there is no transcendence
there is no empirical

I close my eyes to achieve the face to face

I wake up in a strange country
I dream in a familiar country

neither wake nor dream
You are as You are
I am as I am

Till we meet again, and again

----

with this i end my chapter and move on to the next epiphany. But definitely not the transcendental sort.


the radio is silent
but somehow i can hear a voice...
"time for the next track"
*plays Winterreise*


die lange Zeit habe ich gewartet,
die wie das Winter war.
die flüchtige Gefühle geendet,
die Zukunft ist unsichtbar.

reis! reis!
die Winterreise fängt an
geh! geh!
die feststehende Reise.