"He had only five more minutes to live. He told me that those five minutes seemed to him an infinite time, a vast wealth; he felt that he had so many lives left in those five minutes that there was no need yet to think of the last moment, so much so that he divided his time up."

The Idiot, Fyodor Dostoevsky

Alvin had lived 25 years, 6 months, 14 days 55 mins. (time at that moment of writing: 5 mins before 4am, which happened to be the time he was born.)

I have so little time. so little such that i did not bother to divide my time up.

i wonder how my last 5 minutes will be like.
who will i see?
who will i be talking to?
will i be alone?
will i have peace with my Lord?
will i even be conscious of my 5 minutes?
but yes. it is a vast wealth.
when the lived life does not matter, and you will finally understand what you have been living for. (don't ask me, I don't know when my last 5 minutes will be)

so don't ask me what happens in the next 5 minutes. (They could be my last.)
don't ask me what happened in the last 5 minutes. (I consider them over and done with.)

the eternal is that 5 minutes before death.
5 minutes after wasted years of little time.
5 minutes before the wait is over.

but there is no need to think of that last moment; not yet.
the certainty of death obliterates the uncertainty of life, hence.
have that whirlpool spin inwardly.


my head spins with those thoughts.

if i had a choice, I would have chosen to be ordinary. simple. stable. just hardworking and morally upright.

but if i had another choice, I would still become who I am now; and not be ignorant of my
ignorance.



if anyone chooses to give me those practical reasons of stability, then yes,

I cannot bring you to see Das Paradies.

where
who I grow strong for,
is not for you to know.
I grow strong because there is Providence.


so i return,
to my crouching position,
behind my veiled curtains,
eyes wide shut,
muted snores,
cursed as a midwife with no babies to deliver;
sparring nightly with my monsters entourage.
and write senseless, unpoetic words.
for my sleepy mind to unfold its own secrets

You no longer belong in my 5 minutes of Paradise.
1 minute for love.
1 minute for love.
1 minute for love.
1 minute for love.
1 minute for love.
total 5 minutes for my Lord.

I can't wait to die.