i won't see you. again.






i'm the sentimental sort.
the film wasn't fantastic. In fact, it was boring. the kind you just prefer to read the synopsis of my life (of regrets), which I can swear it won't be a smooth reading.

but i shall not condemn it and dismiss it as a complete failure (as most road films end up being when the traveller stops travelling)

beneath the surface of the nauseating frames, i was looking for that one moment that justified my time spent there. and I am glad I found one.

"Even if the key could open the door, the guy may no longer be in the room."

I have a very bad flaw, i.e. my memory. I can leave my keys hanging on the gates to my door and happily changed...only to realise an hour later that I have forgotten my keys.

and I see that as a personal metaphor of my unconscious effort to repress some emotions/reactions to a certain significant past, and the keys have been forgotten. and where else...at the door.

It is true that I often forget my keys and leave them hanging there, thus allowing the chance for someone to discover them, or even steal them, choosing to come back again someday to harm me. And I am also reminded of the moments when Li-zhen would go back to the hotel room to somehow recapture the moments she spent in there with him (without him).

I would very much prefer moments to be unresolved; to be left hanging; to be left unspoken. And very much remain so without going on a road trip only to go back 300 days later/90 minutes later to do what she should have done 300 days ago/90 minutes ago. While that would mean that there won't be any show to watch, reality has often proven to me that whenever something happened, any action thereafter would just be an addition. A sentence uttered cannot be retrieved. It can disappear (be forgotten) but you cannot take back what you say or do. So any return is futile.

To not do anything is a regret but the beauty of not doing anything is that, while you live, you remember forever of the thing not done or said. But it should not be a residing pain that ceases to escape you but a gentle prompt of the feelings you might once have. You cannot possibly relive that experience but that aftertaste is bittersweet. And I like that bittersweetness. It makes me feel alive. It makes me understand how human I am. It glorifies traces of life that would have been severely criticized by me in a different context.

I remember the cold winter night, at a fountain park where you waited hours for me...I imagine you there, alone, a thousand thoughts flooding you with insecurities and precious moments. But I imagine. But it was more about the instance of my appearance. I cannot remember what I said to you. I could instead remember warming your hands. (but not your heart)

but it was apparently, a reversal of roles. I was not Jeremy in the film. I was the Russian girl.
we are not actors. We never deliver the best lines. We never show the right gestures to make the moment magical. We always do not know the lines or the directions. What do we do? What is he or she thinking? I do not know. And never will I. But I do not intend to. Reality is so much more shocking and fluid than theatre/film. I have no idea why people continue to suggest that reality is all about performing. When the moments really matter, can we all really make the moments work?


I never really know what it means to love. In part, I understood what it means to be loved. But to love is such a fleeting feeling that I can never grasp it as an eternal emotion.


I am such an impressionistic person. or rather a person who lives in the moment and for the moment (not in the Dionysian sense) but I like to stand and rest, admiring the inner landscapes I paint vaguely in my mind. Therefore, I often alienate people. I live in my own world, of pain, of joy, of angst, of excitement...but most of all, a chimeric behemoth resides in me and I have silent conversations with her.

so sometimes, (or really most of the time) I do not know what I am talking about. It always feel like there is nothing new to say. It is stuck in my throat. And when I do say it, it escapes me. It doesn't belong to me.

But frankly speaking (haha! ironic...), the thing one needs is to have fear, but more than that, to have courage to conquer the fear to do what needs to be done at the moment. It is not regrets that you should avoid. Instead, you should avoid to not even have regrets to remember and learn from.

I will see you. Every reflection of you, i.e.

God did not give us a spirit of cowardliness but a spirit of power and of love and of self-control.

II Timothy 1:7

So there are no private rooms for us to remain in there for keys to be forgotten or doors to be opened by a ghost of the past, or a stranger we cannot learn everything about. It is about leaving the room and going on a road trip to nowhere.